I have always fancied myself as a practical, no nonsense, straight-at-you honest kind of girl. I think I more or less approach my roles as mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and colleague in this way. I’ve always thought it was a great approach. Fool proof. Common sense, steady, reliable, trustworthy – all that. I’ve always thought it to be the way I’d like to be treated. I’ve considered naked honesty, straight down the line; no bullshit to be the best policy.
So, when someone said to me recently that this may not be the best approach; I was taken aback. Surprised. To be honest, absolutely gobsmacked and shocked!
Tact, not a strong point of mine. Well yes, okay. My mum has said to me for years that it’s something worth working on. But I always saw my lack of tact as being a strength – something I desired to see in other people. I admire this trait in other people. Like a weathered farmer clad in sturdy brown leather boots and dry-as-a-bone coat. A bloke you could trust. Except that I’m female and in the city and I don’t wear boots that much and perhaps I’ve come to realise; not everyone wants to know exactly how it is. In High Definition.
So I’m reeling back. I can see that there are certainly relationships and situations that I circle in where perhaps I have been too acrid.
Where perhaps watered down orange juice would have been more palatable than the undiluted stuff. That while I want things to be a certain way; my determination is not always seen as a valuable or positive thing. That there needs to be room for vulnerability and intricacy. Fragility.
Mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and colleague; each role revealing the protective fighter in me. Not meaning to squash the beliefs or needs of others. Just attempting to deliver solidarity.
I feel like I need a sieve to put myself through. To take out the husks so that I may be more refined, less edge-of-the-seat-eager.
I would have seen this once as being like a plastic wife. One that was too afraid to speak up. But perhaps it isn’t like that at all. Maybe it is just a way of being more sociable and attractive to others. And the way I have been is maybe supportive but also a little too protective.
My thoughts turn now to how this acridity of mine appears as a mother? Fierce. Protective. Paranoid?
As a daughter? Embarrassing, cringeworthy, exhausting.
As a sister? Humorous, over-reactive, annoying.
As a friend? Embarrassing, shocking and sometimes disbelievingly funny.
As a colleague? Competitive, tiring – maybe admirable?
I’m trying not to be overly self critical. I guess I don’t have to ‘change’ so much as ‘stop and think’ or not even…. just kinda ‘be’ rather than think, say, act. To not try so hard; but just be present with others. To listen more and to absorb but not do much else. Difficult, I think but definitely something to work on.
